This post I want to publish when I was really in a bad state, but i couldn't make it:
I need you to save me. Not from others, but from myself...
I'm independent, brave, I'm obviously not a coward! Look, like I didn't need a man in my life.
But I'm also human. I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I need to control myself to feel the weakest. I need to be reminded how brave I am, intelligent, capable, and independent. And for that, I need you.
And at the other times, I need you to control myself, to overly strong, like I can do everything without help of anyone, to think I'm a perfect girl.
I need you...
But, what can I do? among us, only I need you, and you, don't need me at all.
So, what are the advantages for you to stay with me?
None I guess...
So, I hurt people around me, people I love most, just because I could not control myself. I can't find a way for me to control or cure myself. In the end, the only way I could do: I prayed, richer than Bill Gates. so I can pay you, to stay with me every day, to teach me how to control myself. Until I was really strong to protect myself and my family. Until I become perfect.
If all that happens one day, you can leave and I will not ask you to stay with me anymore.
After reading this, you still believe I love you?
You still scared if I fall in love with you?
Please, can you just believe what I say?
I know our relationship is not that far. But, for me, is very important, because if you are afraid, you would leave me. Then, who's going to hold me when I tried to hurt someone? Who will hold me when I tried to hurt myself?
Because , I don't know why, what you say can always calm me down. what you say always make my emotions subsided and what you ordered, even when I hate it, I can always stick to it.
I need help, I need you...
But, you've done it, you've left me and I've hurt myself, especially the people around me .. and I still survive ...
so, it's better for me to change thought patterns. From I can't live without you become I can stand on its own, like how I'm supposed to. and those which I have made to suffer and then leaving me is something I have to sacrifice in the learning process to be perfect becomes more mature.
